Love me, Loudly by Jess Kolbe

Author:Jess Kolbe [Kolbe, Jess]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Jess Kolbe
Published: 2020-09-25T05:00:00+00:00

HIM | Eighteen

Harold, my blue heeler, has been under my feet since I came home. He’s been like this for a while and today appears even mores agitated. I ask him what I should do about Evie? Harold responds with a bark.

I’m not even sure I’m going tonight. I’m overthinking things. I know it, but I can’t bear to hurt her. I can’t have those eyes look at me, like that again, wounded. I can’t be who she needs. I ask Harold and he just licks my face, and I laugh, somehow. I think why not, you’re a good man aren’t you? Am I? My God, it got serious quickly. Am I trying to ignore the pain of Dad? She just feels good, and being near her feels good. I just want to feel good, can’t I just follow that? Just see what happens. I take a deep breath, giving myself some encouragement. Right. Put in an effort. She is so kind, I like the person she is. Remember about Mum and Dad and try to be a gentleman like he was. The word ‘was’ disrupts my thoughts and causes me pain.

Clean up, one foot in front of the other. I put a shirt on, and quietly ask Dad out loud to help me. Harold cuts sick at the door, barking, jumping through the doggie door and into the back of my truck before returning inside. Clearly, he’s made his mind up. I’m stunned and comforted at the same time that it feels like Dad is helping me, and I need to trust it is him. I am choosing to believe it is him helping me. At Dad’s farewell there were a few strange things that occurred, as if Dad were still with us. We all acknowledged it, not out loud of course, that would be too crazy for my family!

Ruby stopped me later, after I asked ‘what the…’ Her response stuck with me. ‘You may not believe in it, but it believes in you,’ in reference to the strange occurrences and her beliefs that Dad is still with us. It is sort of like what Mum and Evie said that Dad lives on within me and how I continue to love him. I did ask for help and I want to listen, Dad and Harold just gave me a pretty big clue. Particularly with Harold’s weird behaviour. After a lot of coaxing Harold gets out of the ute, rewarded with a giant bone for his help. I drive forward towards Evie’s, feeling more resolved and like things feel right. I guess I’m not arguing with how I am feeling, including just not knowing what is next… because I don’t know, no one has any clue, we all just pretend we do.

Arriving at Evie’s, I can hear old time music playing, the kind Mum and Dad used to listen to while Mum attempted to dance with a man who had two left feet. She used to stand behind him, swinging his hips in an attempt to get him to dance.

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